Fifty Shades Darker
1. There are a shed load of attempts to show why Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) is quite so into his whips and bondage, including a bleak flashback to his childhood at the start.
2. Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is starting a new job in Seattle, and of course a pining Christian is still trying to win her back.
3. But his gifts show surprisingly little imagination for someone who likes to keep things interesting in the bedroom.
4. She's no longer meek or naive – now, she's confident enough to tell him what she really wants.
5. There's lingering tension with her new boss, but it's mostly one-sided – all his.
6. Who would have guessed the first uncomfortable scene isn't something sexy, but Ana walking into her friend's photo exhibition to be confronted of six massive photos of herself?
7. Of all the stilted lines in this film, the phrase "kinky fuckery" is not one of them.
8. The mystery girl on the street with the bandaged hand looks like she stepped right out of a horror film.
9. Forget David Beckham's golden ball, Christian Grey is all about the silver.
10. Christian's family throw a charity masquerade ball that's giving us some serious Romeo & Juliet vibes.
11. There's a sneaky pic of teenage Jamie Dornan that should give us all hope.
12. Somehow Rita Ora with a husky American accent sounds exactly like normal Rita Ora.
13. After her blink-and-you'll miss it cameo last time, she makes her slightly longer appearance work this time.
14. And thank god they've got rid of her awful Cleopatra-style haircut.
15. Ana's learnt her lesson about eye-rolling – she only does it once, but, boy, is it full of disdain.
16. Unidentified man on the stairs at the ball (he's wearing a mask, duh) is acting pretty suspiciously.
17. Ana does a really good job of portraying the awkwardness of your boyfriend's ex trying to be your friend.
18. Things get genuinely tense when Christian and Ana return to Escala to find her car vandalised in the secure garage.
19. Side note: Christian's now got more bodyguards in SUVs than a Presidential motorcade, for seemingly no reason.
20. Obviously, when your car gets smashed up the best thing to do is run off to a luxury boat and set sail.
21. Despite Christian being way more open this time round, he still won't tell Ana what those scars on his chest are.
22. Even though they're blatantly burns, right?!
23. Ana's boss Jack is mighty frosty after he learns she has a boyfriend…
24. And the two share one of the only truly dark – and horrible – scenes of the entire film.
25. Christian might want to stop texting quite so furiously – iPhone screens aren't what they used to be.
26. If only it were so easy to get promoted to your dream job, weeks after starting at a company.
27. Ana's changed her mind about taking things slow pretty quickly, as the spreader bar will testify.
28. Imagine being Christian's housekeeper – the things that woman must have heard and yet she's still so chipper.
29. Ana makes taking your knickers off mid-dinner look effortless – if we did it, our pants would end up in someone's pasta.
30. Time for that elevator scene from the trailer and the face on the woman stood in front of the couple is priceless.
31. Sure, it's called 'Fifty Shades Darker', but who predicted a gun being involved?
32. Christian keeps files on all his subs, like some kind of weird, BDSM detective.
33. And the power he has over some of them is terrifyingly impressive.
34. "I'm not a dominant, I'm a sadist," he admits – you don't say!
35. Oedipus would really have a field day with Christian's sadism explanation.
36. No one, not even buff billionaires, wakes up that compos mentis in the middle of the night.
37. Where Ana's learning about her kinks and fetishes, Christian's really learning how to love like a normal person.
38. Which seems surprisingly easy for him, actually, given his love of contracts in the past.
39. Of course his workout song is 'So Lonely' by The Police.
40. And of course he can lift his own body weight – show off.
41. The red room is partially what did for their relationship before, but Ana seems to be embracing its instruments now.
42. The helicopter scene is out of nowhere and feels unnecessary.
43. Although it gives us the funniest moment of the film, but perhaps not intentionally.
44. Grey family birthday parties look almost as extravagant as their masked balls.
45. And never let Rita Ora buy birthday presents alone if her taste is like Mia's.
46. There's some strong drink-in-face action that rivals anything you'd see in the Queen Vic.
47. For a film that's meant to be about BDSM, it isn't half cheesy.
48. Case in point – romantic moment coinciding with surprise fireworks.
49. There's meant to be a big cliffhanger, but it's a little underwhelming.
50. Darker in some ways, safer in others, 'Fifty Shades Darker' is less fun and watchable than its predecessor.
By Rhian Daly