Oh Glastonbury. We love you but damn, you are bad for our chi.
Buying Glastonbury tickets isn't easy; in fact, going through the whole registration pre-ticket process can often be quite galling. The picture never uploads properly, then you go through all the faff just to realise that you’re already registered, but your address is wrong, then the picture didn't save… I mean, it’s stressful just writing that, right?
And then, like something foretold by Nostradamus, the Glastonbury ticket sale date finally arrives. And everyone freaks the eff out.
Read More: Glastonbury 2017: Dates, Tickets & What We Know So Far
Suddenly you are bombarded by your brother’s ex-girlfriend’s cousin about getting into a ‘Glasto Tix’ WhatsApp pool to ‘increase the chances’ of getting tickets. The NME are sending out carrier pigeons in case people didn’t receive the third final ticket sale mailer. Michael Eavis has personally written to the Royal Family urging them to buy coach tickets. It’s all gone Glasto-bonkers, and we can't deal.
Well, for those of you embarking on this ticket quest for the very first time, pay heed. These are the 14 emotions you will definitely go through when trying to buy Glastonbury tickets. It's no fun, and it certainly ain't pretty.
1. The week before digital detox
You’ve literally received texts from everyone you’ve ever known in your entire life about getting Glastonbury tickets. You may already be in a pool (good god, the stress), or you may be going lone-wolf, however, constant copy/pasted urls from well-meaning pals about registration numbers and record times in which Glastonbury has previously sold out isn’t helping. So please people, refrain.
2. The pre-ticket sale insomnia
It's the night before the tickets go on sale, and you can't sleep. Like, at all. You've set five alarms. The BFF is calling you at 7am to get you prepped. It's like going into battle.
3. Glasto morning belly
It's 6:58am. You've barely slept, and like a toddler before a long car journey, you make sure you you've been to the toilet. There's still two hours to go, but you are taking no chances.
4. Tech check
You've booted the housmates off the WiFi. You've checked the cables. You've got all relevant technology charged. Smashed. It.
Your Glasto pals check in to see if you've eaten. The team is strong.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. The icon has changed. The tickets are ON SALE. You hit the buy button and…
7. Landing page of death
The site has crashed. The internet is broken. You wish you'd eaten. It's all too much, and it's not even 9:02
8. The longest ten minutes of your life
It's all gone silent from the pals. Everyone's experiencing the landing page of death. It tells you not to refresh, but you do it anyway. It's like your life is ending.
9. The annoying person that always gets Glastonbury tickets, gets a ticket…
…and gloats about it immediately on Facebook. You've never experienced rage quite like it.
It's been eleven minutes into the sale and your pals are already texting each other about Burning Man.
You have made it through to the purchase page. Your hands are trembling. Your seasoned Glastonbury-pro friend calls to talk you through it. Come on now, don't fuck this up. This is all about you and the five others you can take on this purchase journey. THE WEIGHT OF GLASTONBURY 2017 IS UPON YOU.
OH. MY. GOD.
12. You forget your own name…
…and how to breathe.
You manage to get everyone's numbers filled in. Click purchase. And… the page freezes. Remember Kim Kardashian's crying face? It's about to happen. Like, right now.
14. The end…
SOLD OUT. That harbinger of doom page flickers up and it's all over. IT'S ALL OVER.
Now this can go one of two ways. You've either a) managed to get a ticket, or b) haven't. If you have, it's like the greatest feeling you'll ever experience second only to maybe getting married, or having a baby. You go against your mantra about not being a smug person and start posting all over your social channels that you're 100% going to Glasto. Haters gonna hate right?
If you didn't get tickets, then it's like Mordor has entered your brain. The only cure is chocolate and/or wine. And it's not even 10am. We aren't judging you though, crack that vino open babe.
Chin up. There's always the April re-sale, when you get to go through this all over again…